Ok, so what is up with all of these relationship blogs?
(For the record, I am not against relationships and/or married people)
Other than the ridiculous amount of pictures and the fact their names are practically burned into your retinas from the grotesque layout and vibrant fonts they choose, all relationship blogs look exactly the same. I asked myself, why? They JUST started going out...how could they possibly already have gone on like fifty different trips and have like five page long statements of their "love" for one another? The horrible truth smacked me in the face...
The Truth=premade blogs. If anyone has ever seen How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, the concept of her creeper wedding album with their alien babies is very similar.
Create a blog before anyone ever asks you out, and simply update and photoshop once you are in a barely defined relationship. The components are as follows:
1. The Statement, or what separates them from all other couples. Usually can be ripped from any Hallmark card or crappy Lifetime movie, ex. "He is the cheese to my macaroni"
2. The Story, one of the most integral pieces to this charade. Once again, use your powers of discernment as you peruse through the usual chick flicks for "you had me at hello" as you accidentally bump into him at the office or coffee shop in a nonchalant manner, when you actually met him because you stalked him at a monster truck rally and your fake admiration for the sport gave him a black eye while you were cheering for "Gravedigger". Heck, I'm sure the coffee shop sounds cuter, but its so cliche. At least TRY to think of something original. Like "we met at petsmart and my teacup poodle beat the crap out of his german shepard." Now, THERE'S a story.
3. The picture. RULES-Blurry glow effects usually while in motion outside (i.e. skipping, fake jumping in mid-air) are standard, however they reflect absolutely no personality at all whatsoever and therefore are perfect. I would be shocked if people actually took normal pictures without photoshopping or trying all this black and white crap. Yes, black and white is classy, but when you're kissing your significant other so far away in the rain and its windy and you can barely see your outlines, I'm uncertain whether or not it is one large person or two in the picture. And I'm also sick of all of the PDA in pictures, because if you are one of those obnoxious status couples who intimately cuddle in front of all of your friends in a casual setting, good job. Your insecurities and arrogance not only make it uncomfortable for everyone while they are around you, but continuosly as they see all of your updates on mycreeperspace and stalkyourfacebook.
4. The moment you "knew". It was probably while you were hiding from all of the mosquitos at Dairy Queen, but if you were sitting at the fanciest restaurant on the moon and staring into each others eyes (by the way, staring isn't super creepy or anything) and you both ordered the same thing at the same time, you knew you had become in sync with one another. Not true. Your narrowmindedness and lack of vocabulary make it predictable to guess what one might say. And by the fact you both ordered "water" doesn't mean you're freaking Bradgelina.
Check out the Baby UN
I would continue, but unfortunately my nausea from these nasty fake mad libs might cause illness not only to me, but to my other readers as well(and yes, I've got at LEAST one). I will spare you the further hyperboles, but this poison needs to be stopped. No more countdowns (because honestly, who the crap cares except for you?), no more visually offending blogs. The amount of time I spent recovering from trying to check on one of my friends in a relationship, usually ends with my eyes burning and my upchuck reflex out of control. Don't stalk, Don't creep. Because you're not unique.
